A Few Thoughts After a Long Trip

RembrandtIt is part of the poet’s job to get used to his inner rhythms, those seemingly predictable patterns which, from a distance, map his temperament.  I was reading some old poems yesterday and found that, as I have always hoped, the new poems I have been writing and the ones I wrote several years ago not only address, as if part of a single poem, the same subjects and attitudes, but also, in some cases, I found that I use the same or similar language to do so.  One of the frustrating aspects of all this is that what may feel like a revelation, some new vista, say, stumbled upon while out walking, may only be the same old field, the same old tree.  I ask myself: Have you merely forgotten?  This experience casts into doubt one of the possible uses of poetry, which is to come to an understanding of self.

I remember a long time ago, reading Augustine.  Somewhere in his Confessions, he exclaims: Who do I know better than myself!  And I thought then – as I seem to be thinking now – that we never know ourselves so well.  And if there is anyone who tried to know himself, it was Augustine.  I think what he says, from a certain point of view, is true.  We might know ourselves better than we know others, and that includes the animate and the inanimate, the solid and the ethereal world, but we know ourselves but slightly.  Even the best and most perceptive of human beings catches himself only in snatches and glimpses.  It is as if, rising from sleep, some terrifying and beautiful dream, thirsty, half-blind and exhausted, we passed a shadow in the hallway and thought, touching its cheek: Who?

And it isn’t that we contain multitudes that makes knowing ourselves so difficult either.  We might contain many points of view and many possibilities – I doubt it most days – but what is so frustrating, and the more I write the more frustrating it becomes (though some days it amuses me), is that even the most familiar gestures and sentences and dreams startle us again and again and again.  I don’t remember where I read this, but someone said that, when we are young we hear a knock on the door, and think: Yes!  And then, later, when we are old and tired, dozing in a chair, we hear a knock on the door, and think: Yes…

A poet returns to the same images over the course of his career, and when he is young these reoccurring images seem some hint, some indication that his work might come to something.  These, he thinks, are the vestiges of the angels.  God’s footprints left for me to follow.  Then, he rounds the corner again.  The sun shines on the leaves, the spring flowers before his eyes, the animals emerge from their underground lairs.  The world is refreshed, but he is weary.  His hair has fallen out.  His clothes are ill-fitting.  He has seen this all before.  These revelations aren’t what he thought they were.  These footprints are his, the ones he left – when was it? – last spring, walking this way.

Wisdom is, perhaps, the beginning of an understanding that the essential truths are always just beyond us.  And that what seems to be a revelation may be merely a familiar thing we have forgotten.  It is as if we return to childhood often, some perfect day, the sun high in the trees and the birds singing, and it is to this day that we return finally.  However carefully we have chronicled these hints, these images, they come always as a mystery.  And it is of this surprise we tire.  When I look at a Rembrandt self-portrait, this is what I see.  He stares back at us, as if to say: Would you really exchange places with me, if you could?

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3 Responses to A Few Thoughts After a Long Trip

  1. Tim says:

    I would say maybe that stumbling on the same old tree, or writing about the same things, even using the same words–couldn’t this repetition be evidence of some understanding, even understanding of some deep part of yourself?

    Certain things are simply your eternal concerns, and it seems that to recognize this would be grounding, supporting, even fulfilling.

    Or maybe it’s evidence of something beyond you, working inside you, that keeps bringing you back to these things. It may be tiring or disappointing for the poet in us, who wants to be original & all the rest, but for the spirit in us (who may not care at all about the trajectory of a career) it may be just enough, to constantly come back to these primary things.

    When in doubt, there’s Mr. Eliot–

    And the end of all our exploring
    Will be to arrive where we started
    And know the place for the first time.

  2. Adam Penna says:

    I think you’re right, Tim. It can be, and is, grounding, supporting and fulfilling, to find these old, familiar friends. It is the point of all the work, to come to understand the large, the archetypal. To find that which is divine. But just as there is the universal aspect of our experience, which desires recognition – if it desires anything at all -, there is another part, the more particular part, which wants understanding, too. It is on his behalf I was writing yesterday. The big wind comes knocking at the door, but someone inside the house must stir himself to answer. He is, after all, a human thing, a specific among universals. Indeed, I think it must be enough, or must become enough, to return constantly to these primary things; and, after all, understand however mysterious these patterns seem, they are as ordinary as a starry night. We are the mystery. It is our lives, shooting across the firmament, we might come to wish upon, not as poets necessarily, who are as universal as any of the patterns he might find, but as one human being communicating to another; as, say, two particulars rising to greet each other and say: Welcome, brother.

  3. uspoetsabroad says:

    I woke up in the middle of the night and found The Love of a Sleeper (just arrived!) on the table. I began to read your poems. Thanks for thinking of me, Adam. The poems are stark, intelligent and surprising. I am enjoying reading them.

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